I'm only saying goodbye
by Madwine
Summary: Another night. One more night that Kate spent torturing herself, thinking about Richard Castle. A few days ago, he gave her a letter: his resignation letter. Why? **English version of "Ce n'est qu'un au revoir" **
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer : Castle isn't mine.**

I'm only saying goodbye

Another night. One more night that Kate spent torturing herself, thinking about Richard Castle. A few days ago, he gave her a letter: his resignation letter. Why? Everything was fine between them, right? She would even say that everything was going better than fine. It felt like their relationship had been truly evolving, and despite all the times she'd tried to deny it, she was falling deeper in love with him every day. Then why was he leaving? They hadn't argued lately, hadn't offended each other either. But progressively, Castle had been pulling himself away. He no longer had the twinkle in his eye reminiscent of a night sky. He wasn't trying to brush her to feel and make the slightes contact, he wasn't lavishing attention on her anymore… he wasn't the Castle that she used to know. He was often absent, far away from her, as distant physically as he was mentally. The strain was hurting her. He was going to leave her again. Did he find a new muse? Someone who's more interesting than her?

Staring at her phone, she sighed for the hundredth time. He was already on her screen; all she had to do was press the call button. And tell him what? That she didn't want him to leave? That she would miss him terribly if he did? That he had become the light in her life? No, she couldn't do that. She wouldn't. She didn't want him to feel sorry for her, to stay because he pitied her. Castle deserved to have someone who was less complicated, less broken, less "dangerous". And yet, she refused to let him go. She loved him, damn it! And he felt the same…right? Or maybe this had all been how he'd treat any woman, with his bad boy charm. But she had to admit that he had changed since he started following her; he wasn't like that anymore.

She finally brought herself to call him. She'd think of words to say while the phone rang. One ring, two rings, three rings, four...this was the first time Castle hadn't picked up immediately.

"Castle!"

"Hey!" Was the only thing she managed to get out. Her heart was beating so fast and no sound would come out of her mouth, as if the air was stuck in her throat.

"…Beckett, is everything ok?"

"Yes! I mean…no. Hm…I…would you come to my place…please?"

"There…right now?" He asked, a little bit confused.

"Yes," She answered in a whisper.

"Ok…I'll be there in a minute."

And then he hung up. What was she thinking? Why did she ask him to come over? She had to find an excuse and she barely had fifteen minutes for it. Think Kate, think! As hard as she thought, nothing came up. Ah, yes! She could tell him that she wanted to spend an evening with him as partners before he quit. Yeah, that could work. She could always try to change his mind about his resignation and make him take it back.

She barely had time to get a bottle of red wine before Castle knocked at the door. She combed a hand through her hair, took a big breath and opened the door with a smile on her face.

"Castle! Come on in."

"Thanks." He smiled as he said that, but the smile didn't reach his eye. He entered and hesitated a moment before he spoke. "What was so important that you had to call me over at 11 p.m.?"

Oops! It really was that late? She hadn't seen the time, as she was way too lost in her thoughts.

"Hum…I thought that we could have one of these last evenings/nights together as partners. We could talk about something else rather than the case…for instance we can remember our good times together…" She answered as she offered him a glass with a shy smile and hope in her voice.

"Oh! Hum…okay."

He took the glass that she was offering him and sat on her sofa while she served them a generous glass of wine.

* * *

After they finished the whole bottle, _the _conversation finally arrived. Of course, she didn't get on the topic because she was drunk…well, maybe she did. She had to get her head in the game even though everything was spinning around a little bit. Kate had been very careful throughout the whole night so as not to come too quickly on the topic, especially without preparing him for it. So when their night was about to end, she finally dove in.

"Why, Castle?"

"I'm sorry?"

"Why are you leaving us? Why did you give me your resignation letter, why are you abandoning me?"

"I…hum...Beckett, listen..."

"Rick, stop calling me Beckett. After all these years I think you can call me Kate…" As you normally do, she finished mentally.

"O-okay Kate…I…" He took a deep breath and looked at the floor as if he didn't know how to answer it, how to give her an answer that she would be satisfied with. Then he looked in her eyes and continued softly. "I can't explain it to you, it's…it's complicated."

He got up slowly as Kate was looking at him, confused. He didn't look at her; her eyes were saying too much, had too many emotions, too much incomprehension…too much for him.

"I have to go. It's late. Um…thanks for every-"

"No! No, please just…don't go. Please!"

She got up quickly, panicked by how the situation turned out so bad, scared of how it might end. She grabbed his shirt, her eyes welling up. 'No,' She thought. 'He can't flee, he just can't! This is normally my thing, he can't flee…e can't, not when he's about to resign, not when I'm finally moving toward him, toward "us." Not when I'm finally ready.'

"Please…just stay. I'm begging you, please don't leave me alone…" She whispered her head and eyes low while holding his shirt.

"Kate…I'm sorry. I…" He said calmly. Castle paused, took another deep breath and continued. "Alexis is waiting for me and listen, if you don't want to be alone you can call a friend, like Lanie…but I really have to go."

She raised her head and stared at him, crestfallen, the double meaning of his words not lost on her. He was really leaving her, moving away from her. He didn't want her anymore, nor their friendship. It was truly the end of them. She repeated her request one last time, desperately.

"Just a few more minutes, please. Stay."

He sighed and looked at their two empty glasses. He sat down on her couch slowly, letting her know that he was giving in.

"Alright, a few more minutes. I won't stay too long... Just a few more minutes."

**So this is my first fiction in English. My first language is French and this fiction is the english version of my first fiction ever, "Ce n'est qu'un au revoir". I wanted to translate it and see how it looked like... Reviews are appreciate.**

**A huge thank you to OneDream 2Dream who corrected me! I don't know how I would have done it without you. :D**

**A huge thank you to tearasunder too! She also corrected me and maybe she will do it for the next chapters if I have good reviews? :P**


	2. Chapter 2

_Previously:_

_"Just a few more minutes. Please stay."_

_He sighed and looked at their two empty glasses. He sat down on her couch slowly, letting her know that he was giving in._

_"All right, a few more minutes. But I'm not going to stay much longer...just a few more minutes."_

**Chapter Two**

The beats of Kate's heart resonated in her ears so loudly that she couldn't say a word. She didn't know if she should be happy he was staying or distressed that they only had a few minutes before he was leaving. She could at least appreciate that he hadn't left yet and was giving her a chance. One more chance.

"Thank you," she finally whispered, breaking what felt like an hour of silence.

She seated herself on the sofa beside Castle. She might be sitting closer to him now than at the beginning of the evening but she couldn't tell. Her head was still spinning a bit. Firmly determined to keep him from leaving, she tossed Plan A out of her mind, the one to find out why Rick was ending their partnership and make him change his mind. She switched to the newly invented and decidedly more seductive Plan B, to entice him into crossing this barrier of hers she'd been so afraid to surpass herself.

She would concoct as many plans as necessary to keep him here; she refused to let go. She had never felt so much attraction, desire...love for a man. He was the one, no doubt in her mind. He was her one-and-done. She'd dreamed of sleeping in his arms every night and waking to the sweet taste of his lips on hers. He was the man who made her want to shout to the world that he belonged to her, the man with whom she would weather any storm. The man with whom she wanted to build a family and live a long life beside. Richard Castle. Why was she so ill-fated to realize all of this now? During every case, they'd been impeccably synchronized. Why wasn't it the same for their relationship outside of work?

A little voice in the corner of her head had the answer: because she was too stubborn to see the truth, to bring down her shield, to be courageous, to open her heart and break down that wall. After her mother's death, she hadn't trusted anyone enough to hand them the keys to her heart. But with Rick, everything was different. If she hadn't handed him the keys yet, it didn't matter; he'd already carved them. He'd done everything the other men hadn't even tried. He'd loosened the bars of the cage around her heart and in persuading her to break free, fully won her trust. And now she smiles, she laughs, she faces her demons. She'd even accepted the help of a therapist and met with him regularly.

Life isn't fair. Everyone to whom she'd been deeply attached had abandoned her. Her mother, Royce, Montgomery...certainly, it wasn't their choice to leave her behind. They were killed, they were...gone. Tears started to prick at her eyes, reminded of all those deaths. But what dawned on her next ripped her heart out. Castle actually had a choice and his choice was to leave. That hurt the most.

Her father had also drifted away after her mom died, succumbed to alcoholism. And yes, he came back to her when he embraced sobriety. But their relationship was never quite the same. She would never forgive Rick if he left without a good reason, not after they'd become so inseparable. Kate reminded herself that he couldn't leave her, that he'd practically made a commitment to stay with her. He'd told her that he'd wait! All those times he'd said "always"...she'd treated them as promises, tucked them inside her heart. Feeling more self-assured and hopeful, she set her mind on Plan B again.

"Rick," she murmured.

"Yes, Kate?" he responded softly.

Before she could launch this pursuit to lure him in, she needed to find out how much time she actually had. Without enough time, it was pointless to even get the plan underway. _That would just scare him farther away_, she thought. _It was kind of like the mindset behind a one-night stand: you play the game from the start of the evening because you only have that night to catch someone in your snare_. Despite the parallel, Kate knew her next question played it safe and let her dip a toe in the water without diving in, no need for those three words she was terrified to say out loud. She inhaled deeply to escape her inner reflections and refocus before finally getting her question out.

"When are you leaving?" she asked in a small voice.

He let out a long sigh before responding. Was it because he didn't want to hurt her or because it hurt him to have to answer, to have to leave? _All is not lost_, thought Kate. _He's not insensitive about this, which means that our work is still dear to him...or at least, we are dear to him._

"As soon as the case ends," he responded.

Although she'd been waiting for it, the news hit her like a punch to the gut. All air was knocked out of her and she felt her heart painfully constrict within. But she wasn't going let it discourage her from asking her second question and inched closer to him. They were already side-by-side, their shoulders now pressed together. She drew her legs up to gracefully shift herself in his direction.

"Will we still be able to see each other?" she asked, locking his gaze with hers so he could see all the hope her eyes retained.

The room went quiet again, a stillness so unnerving that his answer couldn't possibly be good. Kate asked herself if she really wanted to hear it. Her heart was thumping hard; the more time passed, the more painfully it strained inside her. The way Castle was positioned on the couch upheld her fears. His eyes were fixated on the ceiling, eyebrows scrunched together, and his gaze seemed so...sad and sorry.

"I'm leaving town," he finally responded, turning his head and looking straight at her again. "I'm moving to Los Angeles for awhile with Alexis and my mother."

With this answer, Kate squeezed her eyes shut and turned her head, feeling tears threaten to run down her face. Her throat flooded and she struggled to swallow against it. She really didn't expect to hear that, felt like she'd been slapped. He really was leaving her. He didn't want her in his life. The sharpness of Kate's heart breaking could have been audible, glass shattering on tile. The scar on her chest began to hurt and she instinctively placed her fingers over it. She felt her heart sink deeper and gulped again, reminding herself that she still had a plan and she must succeed. She would never get over a permanent departure.

Composing herself momentarily, she analyzed her partner's reaction. His voice was firm but his gaze was anything but...as if his decision was tearing him apart and he didn't actually have a choice. What was so important that he had to resign and go to Los Angeles, so far away?

"You...you'll keep in contact with us, right? You'll call?" she asked shyly, her voice cracking on the last words.

"Yes, yes, of course!" he quickly assured her.

The weight on Kate's heart lifted a little and a small smile spread on her face, though it still reflected a light sadness. She took a deep breath before shifting her body again.

"We're going to miss you," she murmured in Castle's ear after wrapping her arms fully around him.

He was completely still, seconds passing as he processed what was happening. _He must be shocked I'm acting like this_, Kate deduced with this lack of a reaction to her embrace. And then he finally pulled her body against him and Kate tightened the hug, burying her nose in his neck. She closed her eyes and savored the moment, his smell, his touch. He smelled so good! She lost track of how long they remained like this, but certainly too short for her taste. Astonishingly, it was Rick who put an end to this gentle moment, pulling himself slowly away from her.

"Kate, is everything okay?" he asked. "You're not usually like this..."

His gaze was so piercing that it threw her off guard and she didn't know how to respond. It had been a long time since she'd seen his blue eyes this bright, positively radiating love and devotion. She felt light butterflies in her stomach that suddenly made her nervous about what she was going to say next.

"Rick...there's a lot of things people want to accomplish in life, important things. And you think you have all the time in the world to get to them...but no one's tomorrow is guaranteed. I mean, look at all the plans our victims had before they died!" she said wryly. Offering her heart to him like this wasn't easy and she didn't feel especially at ease. Castle didn't seem to react to her joke, too focused on her words and taking them very seriously. So she continued with her confession.

"Knowing now that you're...leaving, I just want you to know that-"

VRRRR. VRRRRR.

Her words were cut off by Castle's cell phone vibrating on the table, a picture of a young redhead with blue eyes on the screen. _URGH!_ Kate screamed internally. _Why were they always interrupted at the worst possible time?_

"It's Alexis...I should answer," Castle said with a look that translated to "I'm sorry."

"Yes, yes, of course," she agreed. Kate knew how much Castle's daughter meant to him, that he'd do anything for her. She was the most important person in his life, came before any woman, before any of his girlfriends. Kate had nothing against Alexis. Objectively, she totally understood it. She was just...a little jealous.

"Okay, thanks." He pressed the green button on his phone. "Hey Pumpkin! Is everything okay?" he asked with a smile on his lips.

He was always so attentive toward his daughter. _Such a great dad_, Kate thought. _Alexis is lucky to have him._They were a close-knit and happy family. A little like her own family before...before her mom was killed. Painful memories instantly rushed into Kate's mind. She decided to listen to the conversation between the Castles and stop herself from descending the slippery slope that was her mother's murder.

"Okay...uh-huh, okay...are you sure?" He continued, his eyebrows furrowed and his face somber.

His question was followed by a long stretch of silence. Kate couldn't hear what Alexis was saying, but it had to be really serious; Rick was deeply focused, eyebrows knit together, nodding his head even though Alexis couldn't see him. He stood up and distanced himself from the couch and Kate. She suddenly felt like she was overstepping, that he probably didn't want her to hear this talk with his daughter, that this was a private matter in the Castle family. If she managed to work things out with Rick, would his family be yet another wall between them?

Kate laughed bitterly inside. With Castle's imminent departure and current disposition, they weren't going to be together shortly anyway! She shook her head, her heart heavy again and her eyes despondent, feeling like an idiot for envisioning an entirely different scenario. She tried to catch the eye of her partner across the room, her future ex-partner. He finished the call and walked back to Kate.

"I need to go," he said softly as he reached her side. "There's an emergency at home, I'm sorry. We...um...can we continue this conversation later?"

Kate stared at him, her mouth agape. What could she say in the face of a family emergency...even if she had something urgent to say, too? A very personal urgency! Her face expressed nothing but disappointment and grief gradually invaded her heart. He was going to leave her, again, and they'd been interrupted at a crucial moment, again...she wasn't going to have another chance to tell him how she felt. She couldn't try to keep him there any longer...but she understood. She understood that he had to go. She knew that he would do the same thing if she had a family emergency. After a few moments passed, Kate pressed her lips together and forced them into a smile as she responded to Rick.

"Yes, yes, no problem. Go ahead, Alexis needs you."

"Okay..." His tone asserted that he knew her words were just a pretense. All the same, he wasn't going to push it and accepted her transparent reassurance with a small smile. Walking toward the door, he added a series of apologies and thanks: "Really sorry to have to go, seriously...it was a really nice night. Thank you for everything. See you tomorrow!"

And on that note, he closed the door softly.

"See you tomorrow..." Kate murmured too late to a door now firmly shut.

She sighed and began to clean up the living room. At _least he said "see you tomorrow"_, she reminded herself. _That's better than "until next time..."_

She took their wine glasses, put them on the kitchen counter and started to wash them, lost in her thoughts. _"Tomorrow" implies we'll definitely see each other tomorrow..."next time" would mean that we would see each other when we could...or rather when he could...or when he wanted to..._

She gently wiped the cups dry and returned them to the cabinet. _I hope that we'll have time to talk tomorrow. When he arrives with our coffees maybe? No, I should finish filling out paperwork; otherwise Gates will be insufferable all day...maybe when he comes in we can go have coffee in the break room. Why not? The only problem is that we'll risk being interrupted for the thousandth time by Ryan, Esposito, Karpowski, one of our other colleagues, or worse, Gates herself. That would be the worst. Then Castle definitely couldn't follow me anymore, even though he was leaving anyway._Kate's heart clenched and she bit down on her lower lip to keep herself from sobbing.

_I really hope I can talk to him before we solve the case_, she told herself ultimately, now seeing that it would be impossible to talk to him at work tomorrow. The dishes clean and the living room tidy, she went to her bedroom to put on pajamas. _Would he stay to listen to me or would he flee as soon as the case was over? Maybe he doesn't want to hurt me by saying that he doesn't feel the same way I do..._

She sighed again. But her friends had implied her feelings were mutual! _If that's not the case anymore, it's definitely my fault. My fault for pushing him away despite my attachment, my feelings for him. I pushed him away, again and again...actually, I pushed away everyone who tried to jump this wall. How has Castle managed to follow me for four years? Maybe the question should be, how did he turn into oxygen, so essential to my life? How could he make me smile doing nothing but bringing us our daily coffees? How had he turned those cups of coffee into ways of saying "I love you" that never became mundane?_

Kate was confused. She didn't know what to think of their situation anymore. "It's complicated," like she'd said so much to those around her. She smiled sadly, slowly tilting her head toward the floor and closing her eyes. She was tired. She should sleep soon. "Night brings counsel," the old adage promised. Kate dragged herself to the bathroom to remove makeup and brush her teeth. _Would Castle return after he left for Los Angeles? He said that he was moving there for "awhile." That meant he was going to return, right?  
_  
She absentmindedly flossed her teeth. _I wish tonight had been more fruitful...tomorrow it's going to feel like nothing even happened. Is it going be awkward after we just held each other like that? Is that going to make him rethink our situation, rethink "us?" Is there really an "us," anyway?_Kate could have confirmed that two weeks ago very easily. That was no longer the case. His behavior made her question everything. The recent inconsistency of morning coffees had sparked doubt in her mind and it had spread with the lack of wordless conversations that they had with just their eyes. Even their meals together at Remy's were now a rarity.

Kate walked to her bed, slipped under the cold sheets, and continued to analyze everything. Several times, her eyelids got heavy and her train of thought became more jumbled. She made a futile attempt to fight off sleep and as it started to take over, she told herself that she had to figure out a solution at any cost. After 15 long minutes of useless brainstorming, she told herself that she needed to get up in a few hours and should really get some rest. She finally let sleep reign her in, reminding herself that tomorrow was another day.

**A huge thank you to tearasunder who translate all this chapter (from French to English). I would have never make it without you. Thank you to OneDream 2Dream who also helped me.**

**Thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter, it's really appreciate. I love to know what you think about my fic. :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**_Rated M for this chapter just to be sure. This murder is inspired by one that truly happened._**

**Chapter 3 :**

The investigation had persisted for several days now. It was a pretty heavy case. A guy killed another man, raped him and then cut him up. CSU team found some pieces of the dead body in a dumpster but not all. A foot and a hand had been sent to political parties, but the head and the other foot were still missing.

The worst part of this homicide was that the killer filmed it. Of all the murders Kate had ever worked on, this one was probably the most disgusting.

She remembered the investigation with the FBI where she arrested Scott Tucker. He was a psychopath who wanted a lot of attention. Someone really smart who wanted to prove it to everyone. Someone who wanted to make a scene. This killer too was a little bit like Scott. He needed people's attention. It disgusted her.

The suspect had been last scene on the West Coast, according to witnesses. No one knew what he was planning to do or what happened to the remaining pieces. Days later, they found out that the killer had left the country, which certainly complicated things. The searches were now international.

Meanwhile, in New York, the crime scene has been found : the killer's apartment. Lanie and the boys were in shock when they arrived. There was blood everywhere : on the matress, on the table, even in the fridge.

It sent chills up everyone's spine.

The worse part was that there were still no traces of the man on the run. The NYPD still didn't know where he was and where he was heading. Some reports had been made about him, but nothing to help them to find his location.

The situation was pretty much the same with Rick and Kate : nothing new to report. They didn't have the time to talk about their relationship, about the evolution that Kate wanted.

_It's probably better that we don't talk about it during the case I guess,_ she thought. _At least he's not putting space between us...but he's not talking about it either. Urgh. Maybe it's best to leave it as is for now with this investigation going on..._

Although she thought that things were better this way, Kate couldn't help to notice that Castle wasn't trying to get closer either. He was as absent as he was before the night at her place. He brought her from time to time her coffee, texted her back at least thirty minutes after she did, and didn't look at her with adoration and love like he used to. Something was missing. There was an unbearable emptiness and her heart felt heavier every time she noticed the hollow.

Castle's attitude was also unquestionably different. He used to have a comment for everything, usually peppered with innuendos. He was now so serious, so professional- too professional.

Once she showed a picture of the murderer and described the man's physique. She waited for Castle's comment about his ''size'' but nothing came. He stubbornly kept quiet and simply nodded to acknowledge her words. He didn't even turn a phrase to lighten the mood, not a ''the murderer would have set foot in Europe'' nor a ''there's a price on his head''. Not even a ''It's case to lose your head over''. Absolutely nothing. _Rien. Nada._

This wasn't the Castle she knew, the one who was making her laugh, the one who always listened to her without judging her, the one who was impressed and thrilled by everything. He wasn't the one she had fallen in love with anymore. But she knew that he was still there somewhere, hidden behind this cold -unfamiliar- Castle.

She missed _her_ Castle.

She would find him, even if she had to break him out of the prison he'd built to protect his heart. She knew the walls were there...but who was he protecting himself from? Were his walls protecting him from her?

Kate's heart constrict at this.

Why? Why was he making her an outsider?

_Well, if you think about it, he's doing pretty much the same thing I do..._, thought Kate as she clenched her teeth. _I protect myself with these walls, but they also test people so I can know who really cares about me...Maybe Castle's trying to punish me by doing the same thing I did to him._

She sighed and ran a hand through her hair.

Now that she was ready to start a relationship with him, he was giving up on her. Was it vengeance? No...Rick wasn't the cruel type, especially with her. Then what? Whatever the reason, Kate realized what Castle had been enduring all these years: the wait. The wait for her, more specifically.

It seemed clear that Rick truly loved her. Her mom used to tell her that when love was real, it could wait. Hell, her mom made her father wait a thousand years before they got married.

Kate smiled sadly at the memory and her eyes started to sting. She would have loved for that to be her story with Rick. She would have loved to live together, happy, until death do them apart. She would have loved for their story to be eternal.

_And the saddest part is_ _that I've lost him,_ thought Kate_._

By dint of hoping for Rick to come back to her, Kate understood how hard it was to wait for something that might never happen. She also knew that it was harder to wait if that one thing was all you desired.

A silent tear ran down on her cheek.

Every sweet memory with Castle came back to her and she wondered if they could relive those moments one day...and then again and again...always? Or was the situation irreversible?

Her phone rang suddenly. It was Esposito. He must have some news for the case. She answered with her detective voice, emotions in check.

''Beckett.''

''Yo it's Esposito. We have got something on the case. Our man's been arrested at Berlin. And they found the missing foot in a mail box.''

''Perfect. I'll be there in five.'', she answered quietly as she nodded absently.

She hung up with a smile on her face. They finally got him! This sadist would finally get the punishment he deserved. The only thing left was the extradition request. He couldn't oppose himself to it otherwise it would take a year to get him back to the States. Why would he be against it anyway? This man wanted everyone to look at him. He wanted fame. No doubt that his come back in USA would make him do front pages.

Being in a country that you barely know the law and the sentence for murder wouldn't be especially reassuring, either. He probably wouldn't oppose his extradition. But the process would take the most time as they closed the case.

Kate now wondered if she should call Castle. Would he answer? She hesitated, even though she had the perfect excuse to do it, to hear his voice. Her fear of rejection hasn't diminished, especially with hist attitude these days.

She finally decided to call him. It rang one time, twice, thrice... a few ring tones and then voicemail. She left him a quick message, telling him the new information about the case and to come to the 12th ASAP.

She sighed as she hung up. She was a little disappointed and sad that he wasn't even answering her calls anymore. She rubbed her temple with her fingers a little before she left her apartment, heading for the precinct.

* * *

As Castle arrived at the 12th, Kate's heart missed a beat. Even though he arrived an hour, thirty-seven minutes and fifty-two seconds after her call - yes, she couldn't stop thinking about him since she let the message on his voicemail and had counted the seconds since - Kate was glad to see him. He had tousled hair et shadows under his eyes. She still thought he looked handsome; his hair really gave him a rebellious and sexy look.

He jogged to her desk with two coffees in his hand. Kate's heart quickened and she couldn't help to smile brightly at him as he approached her. He held out her coffee with a little smile; his eyes shining with something familiar in it. She took the coffee, thanking him as she held his gaze and kept smiling like an idiot.

Her eyes must have said much more than a simple ''thank you'' gauging by Ryan's reaction. He started coughing as he walked to her desk, looking at the floor the whole time. Esposito, who was following him, seemed less embarrassed than his partner to interrupt ''Mom and Dad's moment'', as usual. As they arrived, Esposito asked, ''Are we interrupting something?''

''Yes''

''No''

Kate blushed as she answered ''yes''. This scene was so familiar, and she kind of missed it.

Her heart twinged a little as she realized her partner had answered ''No''. It was normally the opposite; she was the one who refused to see the importance of the moment, telling herself that nothing would happen anyway. And he was the one who answer ''yes'', probably wishing-like she does at the moment-that this moment could last and that something _more_ eventually happen.

Ryan and Esposito nodded carefully, not really sure if they were supposed to stay or go. They decided to stay and gave a quick recap of the situation and the new informations of the case, including the little talk between German cops and the NYPD.

The foot that had been found recently was also confirmed to be the vic's. The mailbox where they found belonged to an elementary school. They didn't know what was the link between this school and the murderer though...for now.

This detail made Rick and Kate grimace and shiver. This monster was definitely horrible, disgusting. Traumatizing children was the last thing Kate wanted. Ryan continued to brief them when Castle no longer appeared nauseated and it seemed like he could hold Beckett's attention again.

As for the victim's head, it was still missing. They suspected it might be buried where the killer was last seen in the US. The area was now an active crime scene and policemen were still searching.

But Ryan had good news : the killer didn't oppose extradition, as expected.

After the briefing, the team decided that Ryan and Esposito would search for a link between the murderer and the primary school. As for Castle and Beckett, they would go to the crime scene being searched at the moment.

The two teams parted, Kate and Rick walking shoulder to shoulder, sometimes brushing each other, perfectly synced.

* * *

The trip had been harder than Kate thought it would be. Rick kept looking at the road through his window, probably lost in his thoughts. She was concentrated on driving, lost in her thoughts as well and tried small talk :

''So, how's Alexis?''

''She's fine, thank you.''

''Great.''

They also broached more personal question like :

''Are you hungry?''

''No, you?''

''Me neither, thanks.''

And every time, these short sentences were followed by a long silence.

Since when did this happen? Since when was it awkward between them? Were was the intimacy they once had?

Kate truly felt that Castle was getting more distant, drifting farther away.

Was he leaving her or was he preoccupied?

No, that couldn't be it.

He always told her all his problems. He always wanted her advice with his relationship with his daughter and mother...or at least, that was how he'd been before this frigidity - if that was event what it was - had settled between them. And yet, she got the impression that sometimes Rick wanted to tell her something, but stopped at the last minute and shut himself off again. It was a mystery that she needed to solve.

Ow! With all this stressful thinking, her head was starting to hurt.

_Focus on the case Kate!_, she told herself. _First, the investigation, Castle then. It is impossible to handle both at the same time._

She - Kate Beckett, the serious and devoted woman who investigated nonstop -never got so distracted. Was she even the same woman anymore? With Castle in her life, the answer was probably no. Had she become sentimental? Maybe she'd always been like that. She just been wearing a mask to hide her emotions and hold back her feelings since her mom's murder. Castle had only lifted the veil concealing the real Kate. He was the one who'd brought the light on her face when she was lost in the darkness.

At this thought, Kate noticed that her partner was staring at her...and that his lips were moving. Oops! Was he talking to her? It sounded like...like ''you have to take the next exit to get to the crime scene''. She did as he said and left the highway. He heart got a little heavier as she realized that they barely talked during the trip.

As they arrived at their destination, the police team who was mandated to search the area was already working. The officers were on the side of the road where the murderer had been dropped off by a good Samaritan who drove him here. The forty cops were walking one foot at a time toward the forest, taking all the time necessary to properly inspect what lay before them before taking another step.

After they talked to the chief of the police search team, Beckett and Castle chose their own path, seeking witnesses or traces left by the killer. They walked slowly on the side of the road.

''So, Castle...do you have any theory of what our killer might have done?''

''Well, if he was walking for a long time on the road before someone picked him up, and they drove a long way - let's say an hour and a half without stopping, according to the driver - there would be two thing that I would have wanted to do here.''

''Go to the bathroom...'' Kate answered as she stopped walking.

''Exactly. And I'd want to eat or drink something,'' Castle continued as he got closer to her.

''So we only have to find a place where we can eat and even go to the restroom,'' she summated as she took a step in Castle's direction with an I-have-a-lead smile.

''The bathroom part is not even necessary since he's a guy and...'' Rick spoke again as he took a final step in Kate's direction.

''He's a guy and he can pee in bushes!'' Kate said, leaning towards Rick.

They stared at each other during a few seconds, eyes locked as they smile to each other, the complicity feeling back again like old times.

Distracted by their theory, none of them noticed they got nearer to the other. They were so close that they could feel the other's breath on their face, their noses almost touching.

Kate's eyes left Rick's to glance quickly at his delicious lips and then came back to his sweet blue eyes. Another look at his lips and then back at his eyes, which were getting darker.

Mouth half-open, she couldn't get a sound out of her throat even though she was dying to tell him all the things running through her head at the moment. She was hypnotized by the features of her partner's face. Neither of them moved, as if any movement would break something.

After a few minutes, Kate's limbs finally responded to her commands, to her desires. Her body leaned slowly toward Rick's body, as if they were both pulled by a magnetic force, a force that they tried so hard to resist but now let overcome them, ready to unite.

Their mouth were getting closer, second by second, and Kate's eye were shutting slowly. Rick's were closing as well and their lips were so close to feel the delicious contact. Kate could already feel the hot breath of Rick on her lips, feel his scent spreading all around her, his warmth invade her.

Suddenly, they heard footsteps coming in their direction and Rick drew back. The chief of the police search team and one of his men approached, informing Rick and Kate that they'd found something.

As Rick's warmth left her, her stepped farther away, creating a distance far too large between them. Kate pulled herself together, trying to ignore the feeling of rejection, just in time for further information from the chief.

They found a small restaurant near the road. She blinked furiously before nodding and murmuring a small ''okay''. She breathed deeply and quickly ran a hand trough her hair before they headed to the restaurant. She glanced at her partner who seemed lost again in his thoughts.

When they arrived at the diner, the owner of the place informed them that, in fact, there was a young man who'd come in for meal. He didn't use the bathroom since it was for employees only. When Kate showed him the killer's picture, the owner recognized him, but without a television, he hadn't called the police because he didn't know about the manhunt. He told them that the man had a bag when he came and still had it when he left. He conclude his statement by showing them where the killer sat, permitting that CSU to check it for print and take some objects as evidence. Then he got back to his customers who were waiting to be served.

Kate's cell rang. Ryan's name was on the screen.

''Beckett''

''Beckett, it's Ryan. We have info on the link between the school and the killer.''

''Okay, go ahead,'' Kate replied as she wordlessly told Castle to come closer and listen to the conversation.

''Well, the school hadn't been chosen randomly. Our killer's parents wanted to send him there when he was a kid. He passed the admission exam but he got a rejection letter because they had too many applicants that year. The school is renowned and they had to take the students who got the best scores and the ones who were richer, which wasn't the case for the murderer.''

''That's the link between the victim and our man! He wanted to get revenge on those who refused him in the past by killing a former student that he met randomly. The foot that he sent at this elementary school was a message to the administration. He wanted to get revenge because he hadn't been accepted, even though he was a gifted person, or so he thought. And not only it is addressed to the administration, but it's also for the students there now!'' Castle exclaimed while his head was pressed with Kate's so he can hear Ryan.

''Yes. A message saying 'I'll kill anybody who goes to this school' ,'' Kate continued, not noticing the proximity between her and Castle.

''So that's our motive,'' Ryan deduce.

''Exactly. Ryan and Espo, you guys go back to the 12th,'' Beckett ordered. ''Castle and I should be back as soon as we find the head.''

''Great. We'll finish the paperwork and check if there is any connection between this case and cold cases,'' Ryan answered before hanging up with Beckett's approbation.

A few minutes after the call ended, the chief came to talk to them again. His team found something in a bush near the restaurant. They walked to the bush and found a small spot on the ground where it looked like soil had been turned over. No doubt that this was where the last remaining piece of the vic would be found, buried.

The police team was already digging to find what was hidden. After several minutes, a head was found. Castle and Beckett shivered and left the scene, relieved to soon be done this sordid case.

She called Esposito to tell them about their find. The boys would be finished with paperworks by the time Castle and her returned and hadn't found any cold cases linked to this killer.

This case was ending soon. Beckett hung up in relief after thanking Esposito and telling him that they were heading to the precinct. She sighed, letting herself be calm and peaceful for a minute before she briefing Castle quickly. Then they left the crime scene.

* * *

The drive back to the precinct felt lighter than the ride out. Castle was talking a lot more, smiling a lot more.

_Maybe it was the murder that had been bothering him_, Kate thought.

As they arrived at the 12th, they headed straight to Gates' office to debrief her. Then Beckett offered a ride home to Castle which he gratefully accepted.

The trip was calm, the mood light. She hesitated, but decided to take the risk and proposed him an outing for the evening.

''How about we celebrate the end of this case at the Old Haunt?''

He said nothing, apparently stunned at her invitation.

''I'm sure that Lanie and the boys would want to celebrate it with us. Everyone needs to relax after this case,'' she added, scared that he would decline if it was just the two of them.

''Hmm...'' Castle answered on a pensive tone.

''Come on Castle! My treat. It just a drink. To come down from the adrenaline rush.''

''Ah...Why not? I won't stay long, but I guess could have a drink.''

''Perfect. See you at nine!'' she said cheerfully as she stopped in front of his loft.

_''_See you at nine,'' he echoed with a smile on his face.

Castle got out of the car and walked toward his building. Kate watched him enter the lobby before driving off to her place, wondering what she could wear tonight. The case was over and she could carry on her mission involving Castle. Tonight, he will succumb to her. Tonight, he would be hers.

**A huge thank you to tearasunder and OneDream 2Dream who helped me with this chapter. You guys are great beta. I don't know what I would do without you.**

**I'm so sorry for the late (very late) update. School first (I had a lot of works because my school was on strike and then we had to catch up the six months we missed...). Anyways, I have a lot of day off in February so I'll try to update this fic (which means translate it from French to English...if anyone can read French, you can get the ending by reading "Ce n'est qu'un au revoir").**

**Comments are welcomed, as usual. :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**A huge thank you to tearasunder who translated this whole chapter from my fic in French! **

**Also, thanks to everyone who followed/favorited/reviewed this fic! You guys are the best. I hope you'll like this chapter as well. :)****  
**

_Previously: Castle got out of the car and walked toward his building. Kate watched him enter the lobby before driving off to her place, wondering what she could wear tonight. The case was over and she could carry on her mission involving Castle. Tonight, he will succumb to her. Tonight, he would be hers._

**Chapter 4:**

As soon as she got home, Kate went straight to the shower. The case had zapped all her energy and a good hot shower wouldn't hurt.

Turning on the hot water first and then the cold, she slowly removed her work clothes and stepped into the bathtub. The hot water streamed gently down her skin, relaxing muscles strained from the long work days and short nights since her work on the case began. Closing her eyes for a few seconds, she let go of all the stress and savored the soothing water. She took a deep breath, let it out, and started to soap up her body.

She needed to prepare herself mentally for the evening. The case now finished, Castle wouldn't delay his goodbyes any longer and depart for Los Angeles, leaving his new family behind, turning his back on her. Even though she'd accepted that she'd have to watch him go, the thought crushed her every time. Maybe because there was no guarantee that he'd actually return? Maybe because he hadn't promised that he wouldn't find a nice girl over there with whom he'd want to spend the rest of his life? Maybe because, despite the fact that he'd promised to stay in contact, she would miss him intensely?

Kate sighed and opted to focus on something else.

If there was one place where she refused to give herself a migraine overanalyzing things, it was the shower. It was a sacred time when her body and soul could unwind. From time to time, sleep wouldn't help her relax, but a shower never failed.

Kate gently extracted her arms from beneath the showerhead to pick up her shampoo, pour a large dollop onto her palm and set down the bottle. Lightly lathering her head, Kate was soothed by its scent that Castle had once mentioned, cherry. Kate let her fingers glide lightly through her hair before bringing locks to her nose. Eyes closed, she breathed in the scent and let it take her away. Smiling hazily, she could remember the tone of Rick's voice, his face, his own scent when he'd said, "You smell like cherries."

She'd never told him but he smelled fantastic, too. Yves Saint-Laurent, if she wasn't mistaken. At his side, Kate breathed in its freshness, sensuality, and mix of aromas. His cologne fit him like a glove, the right representation of Richard Castle. Since they'd discovered each other's scents, neither had changed theirs. Now it was simply part of them, how they'd even recognize each other blindfolded.

At the sound of her cell phone, Kate snapped out of her reverie and carefully cleansed her hair. Once fully rinsed, she turned off the water and stepped out of the shower, pulling a white towel off the rack. She dried her body and hair before wrapping herself and grabbing her phone. She unlocked it to find a text from Lanie. The message put a sad smile on Kate's face:

_Kaaaate! Heard your writer's leaving us at the end of this case and we're going to Old Haunt tonight. Are we going to be ''celebrating'' the departure of Writer Boy? If so, I think you know what you need to do..._

_Good luck,_

_Lanie -xxx-_

Even though the text was meant to be a wake-up call, Kate couldn't help but think of the last time Rick left the NYPD. They'd toasted him with a beer at the office, everybody laughing and having a good time. Then she'd asked if she could talk to him. She was going to open her heart. She wanted to give the possibility of "us" a chance, accept his invitation to go to the Hamptons.

But before she could, a beautiful blonde appeared, who she quickly learned was his ex-wife. At that moment, all of Kate's barriers resurfaced, protecting her superficially from what would follow, and the opportunity was lost.

Her heart split open when she learned that this same blonde, Gina, was going to spend the summer with Castle in the Hamptons...and that they definitely wouldn't be just friends.

He was going to forget Kate.

Or maybe that was already the case, arm in arm with Gina.

Kate had Demming before breaking it off. He'd asked her if he'd done something wrong. He'd asked her what she was looking for.

_You're just not Castle_, Kate replied internally. But at the moment she was going to act on that epiphany, Castle turned his back on her.

Kate shook her head, shooting down those memories that broke her heart and reignited her fear to start anything with Rick. She suppressed rising tears and took a big breath before diving into her wardrobe. She only had two hours to grab something to eat, get ready, and drive to the bar.

* * *

Kate stared for awhile at the variety of fabrics before her, contemplating combinations she could assemble. It was supposed to be warm this evening, 75 degrees, so she ruled out pants. Besides, tonight was the time to go all out, so shorts, skirts, short shorts and short skirts were her only viable candidates.

What was great about The Old Haunt was being able to dress however you wanted. You don't need to look like a piece of meat for boys. Even though Kate wanted to seduce Rick tonight, she wanted to have the same casual approach to clothing as the bar did. It also remained an evening to celebrate the end of the case, to relax, and to give Castle a proper send-off.

With that she ruled out skirts and short dresses, as well as shorts that weren't especially alluring. All that remained were short shorts that gave the impression she was just hanging out, not actively trying to catch someone's eye. She opted for her dark blue jean shorts, the ones that made her bottom look great without attracting too much attention.

As for a top, Kate held back from camisoles, blouses and T-shirts. Kate didn't have a variety of beautiful camis, unfortunately, only ones for working out. She wavered between a blouse and tee and decided on the former, thinking of the beautiful white button-down that would go well with her shorts. She put on her selections and went to do her makeup.

* * *

After dressing, primping, brushing her teeth, and putting on earrings, Kate was ready to go. She had less than 30 minutes to get to the bar and she still hadn't eaten. She snatched an apple and granola bar from the kitchen and left for The Old Haunt, driving quickly through the streets of New York, worried traffic would make her late.

She arrived 5 minutes early instead. She saw that Lanie and Esposito had already arrived and sat at a table in the corner of the bar. Kate smiled at how they were dressed-very fetching and no doubt very pleasing to the other. They'd undoubtedly done it on purpose. They weren't sitting too close nor too far apart as they gazed at each other. It seemed like they might reconcile soon and Kate was willing to bet they'd ultimately stay together.

Walking to the table slowly to avoid startling them, Kate waved when they finally noticed her approaching.

"You're the first ones here?" Kate asked.

"Yeah, we got here at the same time," Lanie responded.

"Do you know when everyone else is getting here?" Kate continued.

"Waiting for someone in particular?" her friend replied, a smile on her lips.

Kate shot her a pointed look, arching an eyebrow. She calmly waited for a real answer.

"Ryan just texted me and said that he and Jenny will be here in about ten minutes," Esposito interjected after it was clear that Lanie wasn't going to continue. "As for Castle...no idea."

Kate shook her head a bit as she stared at the table, not wanting to meet the eyes of her friends and show what was on her mind. She was a little disappointed to have no hint when Rick would arrive. Was he really going to come? Would something get in his way?

_Stop analyzing, Kate. Out of everybody at the 12th, you're the one who talks to him the most_, Kate reminded herself. _It actually makes sense that they don't know. All I have to do is text him to find out._

She hesitated for a few seconds, fearing bad news, then sent him a message asking if he was on his way. She sat down at Lanie's side as she waited for a reply.

His response was immediate: "_En route_, stuck in traffic. Be there in 15. Start without me."

She turned off the screen with a smile on her lips, assured that he'd be there soon, and let Lanie and Esposito know. They waited until Ryan and Jenny arrived before ordering a pitcher of beer.

Castle arrived five minutes after Ryan and Jenny, excusing himself for being late. He offered to buy a round of drinks for his colleagues and sat next to Kate.

As always, he smelled really good. He'd decided on a pair of jeans and a black button-down shirt. A little lock of hair fell across his forehead that made him even sexier.

He was irresistible.

Kate ordered a martini while Esposito and Ryan got three shots for Castle to highlight the occasion. It gave them sick pleasure watching Castle drink all three in a row, grimacing between each shot. Castle paid them back by getting each a pitcher of beer. Ryan bought a _Porn Star_ for Jenny and Esposito got a _Sex on the Beach_ for Lanie. Castle bought a margarita for Kate, followed by a piña colada. Then the girls bought the gang a round of shots, and so on.

* * *

The evening continued to play out until midnight when Ryan and Jenny left the bar. An hour later, Esposito followed suit, and then Lanie 30 minutes later. Only Rick and Kate remained- both clearly drunk despite the fact that they usually held their alcohol well. Granted, Rick's shots must have taken full effect by now and Kate hadn't eaten much before arriving at the bar.

The vibe between them was warm, the atmosphere sensual, the air becoming so thick that they could only breathe by mouth. Kate was practically glued to Rick's side and he was hardly ignoring it. For every movement that Kate's body made, Rick's responded, amplifying the tension and reinforcing all motions.

Her body was now completely affixed to his, her chest touching his torso, one hand on his thigh and the other on his shoulder. He had one arm around her and one hand played lightly with her blouse. Both were smiling and looking at each other straight in the eye, each gaze reflecting love and desire.

Their scents were intertwining, their breaths colliding, their warm bodies fusing together. Unable to wait any longer, Kate leaned in so she could place a soft kiss on his lips, but Rick stopped her.

"Not here," he murmured in her ear.

Stunned by his reaction, it took several seconds before she could respond.

"Come to my place," she whispered.

He assented and they rose from the booth simultaneously. Walking out of The Old Haunt, Rick's arm was wrapped securely around Kate. They called a taxi, jumped in and headed toward Kate's apartment.

* * *

It was hard for Kate to keep her hands to herself along the way, but she didn't have to wait long. Just after they entered her apartment and she latched the door behind them, Ricks' hands wrapped around her waist. Her back against him, Kate bit her lip as Rick's scent permeated the ambient air.

His lips met her neck, exploring its surface meticulously while his hands lightly roamed her chest. Kate surrendered to the tender sensation of Rick's warm breath on her neck, tilting her head to give him full access. When he reached the most sensitive part of her neck, Kate closed her eyes and moaned in pleasure. Heat was building at the base of her stomach, a reaction only her partner could bring out in her, and all she wanted was more. If she'd hoped for him to succumb to her charms and give into his desires, she'd completely succeeded.

Thoroughly pleasured by Rick's touch, Kate decided it was her turn to inflict a little torture that he'd be unable to withstand. She turned around in his arms and placed a light kiss on his mouth, another on his cheek, by his eye, on his ear, his neck. She kissed the length of his neck slowly, very slowly, letting her mouth travel toward his torso, all the while discovering the taste of Rick's skin. Kate's hands leisurely drifted down Rick's body with a feather's touch. He was breathing faster, each breath serrated. He struggled to swallow and his eyes darkened gradually. Kate teasingly nibbled on his lower lip before pushing Castle against the wall for support.

He completely surrendered, letting her take the lead in this dance. She placed herself delicately between the legs of her partner to exacerbate the proximity of their bodies and latched her fingers onto his belt. The contact between their bodies was exquisite and she kissed him tenderly, languorously. The kiss was slow, giving each of them time to savor the taste of each other's lips. Rick placed his hands on Kate's bottom and pressed her closer against him. The sudden jolt elicited moans from both sides as the kiss 's tongue skimmed Rick's lips, seeking permission to deepen the kiss. He let her in and their passion escalated. They thoroughly discovered each other's mouths, gliding their tongues impetuously between each other's lips. Kate gently took Rick's lower lip between her teeth and he groaned reflexively, the pleasure only making his kisses more reckless.

Soon, their clothes were just an obstacle between them. Kate started to remove Castle's shirt, button by button. In a matter of seconds, it was completely open and Kate lightly glided her fingers across his chest. She felt his muscles tense at her touch and she was pleased to encounter this strong musculature her partner had been hiding. As Kate's hands traversed Rick's chest beneath his shirt, his own hands slid nimbly under the blouse of his muse, making her shiver.

Only when they'd run out of air did they finally break off their kiss. Their hands froze when their eyes met and for several seconds they just stared at each other, a smile on both their lips. Kate was in heaven. She'd finally revealed her feelings to Rick and he seemed to be on the same page. Their faces were still so close that they could feel the breath of the other on their cheek. Neither wanted to break this magical moment between them. They continued to gaze at each other during a long moment where it felt like they were only seeing each other for the first time and wanted to remember every detail of the other's face. Rick's eyes radiated love and Kate's sparkled with happiness. They both cherished the moment, four years in the making.

Kate's fingers started to softly trace the contour of Rick's face, lingering at his lips before gliding into his hair. She kissed Rick once more, willing the soft kiss to last as long as sensation that the kiss brought her was extraordinary. She had butterflies in her stomach, an irrepressible desire to hold him tighter in her arms and kiss him every time he looked at her. She couldn't hold back the idiotic smile that spread across her face.

She loved him.

She loved Rick and at that moment, it was all that mattered.

Kate stepped back a little so she was no longer leaning against her partner and laced her fingers with his to pull him toward her. He came without resistance, leaving the wall behind. She wrapped her arms around his bare waist and settled comfortably in his arms, any distance between them intolerable. He promptly mirrored her embrace, feeling the same need. Kate closed her eyes, abandoning herself in the arms of the man she loved and revelling in the comforting aroma.

She smiled at the notion that his scent was now a comfort to her. She was completely in love with him. Completely intoxicated by his smell, this moment, the love in the air, and the alcohol that lingered in her blood, she couldn't keep herself from murmuring into his ear her greatest desire.

"I want to be with you, like this, forever. I want this for us..."

Rick drew her more tightly against him-implying he wanted that too- that her feelings were requited. The embrace encouraged her to continue.

"I want to be more than a partner, I want to be more than a friend, I want to be more than a best friend..."

He placed a kiss in her hair, confirming that he yearned for the same.

"I love you," she whispered softly.

She'd finally managed to tell him. Three little words that had been hurting her not to say aloud, three syllables that left her so fragile, so vulnerable. She'd finally echoed what he'd told her at the cemetery.

She could see the exact moment when those words fully registered with Rick and his face broke into a smile. He smiled from ear to ear.

It made her smile, too.

That smile was priceless, something she'd love to see on his face every day. They kissed tenderly until Kate pulled away to share the fear still in her periphery.

"I don't want you to leave me..." she said quietly, her dread clearly reflected in her eyes.

Kate's words seemed to send a shockwave through Rick. His body went rigid and his arms dropped from her waist. His smile dissipated, leaving in its wake what looked like remorse. Kate's heart tightened as she watched him transform before her.

_So he's really going to leave me, no matter what I say, no matter what I do...No matter what we want_, she thought.

A tear ran down Kate's cheek that she couldn't stop. It wasn't just the fact that he needed to leave New York that saddened her deeply. It was also seeing that this was hurting him, too, that this obligation of his was taking its toll.

Why?

Why did he have to leave New York?

He still hadn't explained. "It's complicated," he'd said.

What was he hiding?

The gaze on his face was so...sad and sorry. He seemed utterly defenceless, like someone was pulling them apart. Did that mean they weren't actually meant to be together?

A second tear ran down Kate's face. Rick's own eyes were full of unshed tears. He had the look on his face saying, "If you knew,"- begging her to understand, to realize that he wasn't leaving her by his own volition.

He bent down to place a light kiss in her hair, then another on her forehead. Kate closed her eyes, letting the kisses comfort her as he placed another on her cheek. Then their lips came together for a kiss full of love, full of regret, full of excuses. They kept their eyes closed as their lips parted, pressing their foreheads together, breathing in and out as one. In a soft voice, Rick broke the silence lingering since Kate had last spoken.

"Tomorrow night...I'm taking a plane tomorrow night."

Kate's throat flooded and she struggled to swallow against it. A thousand thoughts rushed to her mind but she remained silent, truly at a loss for how to respond.

"I need to go to sleep...be ready for tomorrow. Maybe you should, too..." he continued as he gently pulled away from her.

Kate gripped Rick's arms.

"Stay. Sleep here tonight," she implored.

Rick paused. "Okay," he agreed after a short silence.

Kate guided them toward her room and without a sound, they took off their shoes and slipped under the covers fully dressed, too tired to disrobe. Kate nestled into Rick's arms, face to face, their legs entwined. Rick wrapped an arm around Kate's waist and he pressed a hand against her back with light pressure, encouraging her to melt further into him. She shifted swiftly in accordance and buried her nose into the neck of her beloved. Wrapped in each other's arms, they fell asleep quickly, savoring these final moments as long as they could.

* * *

Rick's cell vibrated in his back pocket, pulling him away from the comforts of sleep and the beautiful woman in his arms. Eyes barely open, he checked who was calling in the middle of the night.

Alexis.

He gently unraveled himself from Kate, swung his feet to the floor and left the room without waking his muse. After delicately closing the door behind him, he answered the phone.

"Alexis, is everything okay?" he asked quietly.

"Dad, where are you?" she replied in a small voice.

"I'm at Kate's...is everything okay?" he asked again in concern.

Not fretting over her father's whereabouts, she answered quickly before bursting into tears.

"Please come home, Dad...I need you."

"Is it because...?" Castle asked in dread.

"She...she went in," Alexis hiccuped between two sobs.

"Okay, I'm leaving right now. I'll be at the house soon, sweetheart. I love you," Castle added before he hung up.

He treaded lightly into the bedroom to grab his shoes. He hesitantly approached the bed where Kate was still asleep. He leaned over and kissed her forehead gently. "I love you," he murmured.

He left the apartment without a sound, sorry that he wouldn't beside her when she woke up.

Tomorrow, he'd go to the office to say goodbye to everyone and explain himself to her.

Tomorrow would be a heavy day.

Tomorrow, Kate would wake up alone in her bed, without having felt Rick's lips on her forehead, without having heard his declaration, only feeling confused and betrayed.

Tomorrow would definitely be a heavy day.

**Thoughts?**


	5. Chapter 5

**Thank you so much for all your ****favourite/follow/review! You don't know how happy I was! I want to thank Guest (I know it could be anyone, but I wish that person will recognize himself/herself) and Maddie (Guest) for their review as well. I couldn't do it by PM, so here it is. :)**

**Thank you so much tearasunder to be my beta and to translate with me. What would I do without you? **

_Previously : "Okay, I'm leaving right now. I'll be at the house soon, sweetheart. I love you," Castle added before he hung up._

_He treaded lightly into the bedroom to grab his shoes. He hesitantly approached the bed where Kate was still asleep. He leaned over and kissed her forehead gently. "I love you," he murmured._

_He left the apartment without a sound, sorry that he wouldn't beside her when she woke up._

_Tomorrow, he'd go to the office to say goodbye to everyone and explain himself to her._

_Tomorrow would be a heavy day._

_Tomorrow, Kate would wake up alone in her bed, without having felt Rick's lips on her forehead, without having heard his declaration, only feeling confused and betrayed._

_Tomorrow would definitely be a heavy day._

**Chapter 5 :**

He left.

Richard Castle left her in the middle of the night. He let her wake alone.

Did yesterday mean anything to him? Was he just drunk and regretting everything after he sobered up? He hadn't reciprocated when she told him she loved him, either.

And here she'd thought he felt the same. Why did he vacate her bed? He left without a goodbye, without a warning, without a note, without anything.

Why?

Why did he abandon her on this morning of all mornings, when she'd never needed him more?

She'd woken up in tears from a nightmare. Maybe the dream was trying to warn her? Whether it was or not, it seemed so realistic, and once she was finally awake, she found herself alone and inconsolable.

He heart sank revisiting the dream and a tear trailed down her damp her. It was such a sweet dream, too, before everything went wrong.

_They were together, in a remote location in a foreign country. Wherever they were was hot, exotic. The sunsets were magnificent, the days were always sunny, and the beach was vast, offreing wonderfully intimate privacy. The sound of the waves crashing on the shore was a sweet lullaby. _

_Kate and Rick walked together, hand in hand, having fun with their ''friends'' who were hosting them in the bedroom next to the kids' room._

_In the evening, they were all huddled around the fire to warm up and ate marshmallows and hot dogs. The kids were playing close by, giggling while they ran around with mouths full of marshmallows._

_Kate was devouring every marshmallows Rick toasted near the embers. He wasn't making them to eat them himself. Not a fan. He was making them to have fun like a kid. Kate was eating them wholeheartedly, knowing that her lover was enjoying it...as were her taste buds. _

_The last marshmallows Rick gave her was a gooey mess and dripped a little on her fingers and the corner of her mouth. Kate licked her finger teasingly while she stared at her writer, arching her eyebrow. _

_That would be his punishment for furnishing so many marshmallows._

_In apologize, he licked his thumb and wiped away the rest of the marshmallow at the corner of her mouth before leaning back to kiss it lightly._

_All this tension-this sexual tension, it was totally _**_them_**_. She taunted him and he reacted impulsively. She pushed, he pushed. _

_The woman nearby who'd been talking a lot to Kate couldn't help but joke about it. _

_''You should keep your eye on her, Rick. Even _**_I _**_would like to kiss her,'' she said seriously._

_All the adults laughed. _

_The children didn't understand what was going on. Some of them grimaced at the word ''kiss'' but they didn't think more of it and kept playing. _

_As she watch them play hide-and-seek, Kate couldn't help to put her hand on her very round belly. She was pregnant. _**_They _**_were pregnant. _

_She wasn't quite ready to be a mother, but as long as it was with Rick- as long as he would help her raise this kid - everything would be okay. She was ready to do anything with him. _

_She gently stroked her belly. Rick placed his hand over hers and they silently caressed the surface together. _

_They exchanged warm smiles._

_Silence fell over the whole group of adults. The two lovebirds didn't need any words to understand each other, always on the same wavelenght. _

_While the kids' laughs and screams echoed on the beach, the writer and his muse rose to their feet to go to sleep._

* * *

_Many days passed, immersed in pure bliss. Kate and Rick were inseparable, truly in paradise._

_But the perfect weather couldn't last. Clouds slowly coated the sky. Rain started to lightly fall. But Kate wasn't concerned. She was at peace with Rick by her side. She noticed, however, that he had become somber. The ebllient, expressive face she was used to see had disappeared._

_She approached him cautiously and asked if everything was okay. He lifted his head and looked her dead in the eye. _

_That's when she knew something was up. _

_He opened his mouth to speak. The wind outside suddenly intensified and rain poured down on the house._

_''No. It's not alright,'' he said in a grave tone. ''I, uh, have something to tell you.''_

_''What is it?,'' she asked as she sat down next to him. _

_He took a deep breath. He looked a little uncertain of how to start._

_''Every day that passed by sitting by the sea made me think. I thought about what I have and what I don't, about what I want and I don't.''_

_''I hope that includes me, at least, and in a couple months, the baby,'' she joked._

_''Yeah. Yeah. That includes you tow. But I realized that I'm not active or productive enough,'' he continued._

_''Well, I can help you with that, if you want. Like, you could run on the beach or write more. And there's another way to stay active...,'' she said as she raised an eyebrow._

_''No. That's not what I meant. I just feel that I'm not _useful_ enough. I want to do something worthwhile,'' he retorted as he jaw clenched a little._

_''Well, if it's of any comfort, your books helped me immensely when I was grieving my mother. And you're going to have plenty of time to feel useful. You're son will need you,'' she offered with a tentative smile, trying to lighten the conversation._

_A long silence passed between them. The mood was heavy and Kate's heart constricted a little as second ticked by. _

_This conversation was getting too serious. _

_Rick had something in mind and Kate had a bad feeling about it. But she let him proceed. _

_''It's not only that,'' he went on. ''I..um, need to more space.''_

_He lowered his head as he said those words, as if he didn't want to see her reaction. _

_Kate's heart sank and she was silent a couple of minutes, stunned. She couldn't speak and Rick stubbornly kept avoiding her gaze._

_What was that supposed to mean? That he didn't to be with her anymore? That he didn't want a son anymore? _

_She swallowed painfully and stammered out the only words that came to mind._

_''I, wh...What? What's that supposed to mean Rick?''_

_''It means that I'll be gone for a while. I don't know how long.''_

_''Wh-What? Where will you be?''_

_And suddenly he stood up and looked down at her, stone-faced. It was clear that whatever he was planning, his mind was set. _

_Lightning struck near the house and illuminated Rick's face for a moment. She'd never seen him so certain, so serious, so distant. _

_He stood up straight, ready to leave her behind despite how hard it will be on her, on him. _

_''I enlisted Kate. I'm joining the Army. I'm going to serve my country. I'm leaving in an hour.''_

_Digesting these small,simple, terrible words, she bursted into tears. _

_No! _

_He couldn't. He couldn't!_

_He couldn't leave her. He couldn't abandon the baby - their baby - like this. He didn't have the right to do that!_

_Why? Why did he have to enlist?_

_Hot tears streamed down her cheeks as Rick didn't move. He remained cold. He didn't try to touch her, to take her in his arm. He just waited._

_''Rick...Rick, no! You can't! You can't,'' she said between hiccups, holding out her hand to him, desperately trying to get through to him. ''Please Rick. Please don't do this.''_

_''I made my decision Kate. I'm sorry.''_

_She sobbed harder, at a loss for how to convince him to stay. It felt like she'd never stopped crying. Yet, he didn't reach for her, clueless how to comfort now. _

_When she calmed down a little, he finally stepped closer to her. He took her face in his hand, slowly caressing her wet cheek. _

_''I'll come back, don't worry. I'll be back as soon as I can. I promise,'' he whispered softly. ''I hope that the baby won't have grown too much in the meantime.''_

_He kissed her forehead, as if he wanted to comfort her, as if he wanted to touch her one last time - as if he was saying farewell. _

_Kate kept crying, her heart tight in her chest._

_''I love you,'' he exhaled._

_And he left. He left her. _

_He was walking toward certain death. She burst into tears once again, her heart tearing apart and her throat getting tighter and tighter, muffling her cries of pain._

That is how she woke up.

Her face covered of tears, feeling disoriented, uncertain if it was a dream or reality.

She perched on her elbow and looked around.

She was at home.

Memories of last night flooded to her mind and she looked for Rick, fanning her arms across the sheet around her.

He wasn't there.

She got out of bed and looked everywhere in her apartment to be sure he wasn't in the bathroom nor the kitchen.

Nothing.

He wasn't here. He left.

Tears flooded her eyes again and she didn't bother to fight them off. He really took her for a ride. On the outside, she looked vulnerable as she cried, but she could almost feel her walls rebuilding - the one Rick had knocked down. At the moent, it was hard to envision her heart locked away again in a cell with no key, but when he'd leave for LA, it would only be a matter of time. Never again would she let a man play with her emotions like this. She refused to be abandoned again by someone she loved.

After she wiped the traces of her tears from her skin and ate a little, she left for the 12th. She hadn't been called about a body so the day would start with paperwork. It would be a very long day where she'd just try not to think about Richard Castle.

**Thoughts?**


	6. Chapter 6

**Sorry for the delay everyone! I was rushing because it was the end of my semester. But, here I am! Thank you so much for all your ****favourite/follow/review! You made my day. :)**

**Thank you so much tearasunder to be my beta and to translate with me. ****Anything is possible with you. I will miss you. :( Oh! ****Should we translate my series "Ce n'est..." as well?**

* * *

**Chapter 6**

7:30 

She got to the 12th without any problem, evading heavy traffic. The precinct was almost empty. Her colleagues mostly arrived around 7:55 to start work at 8:00. She started at 8:00 as well but preferred to get there as soon as she could. Traffic wasn't only down on the street. She started to do some paperworks, waiting for the show.

7:55

As usual, the elevator was full. All of her colleagues were arriving at the same time. In the middle of the crowd, she could see Ryan and Esposito fumbling their way out. She grinned and congratulated herself for avoiding that mess.

After Ryan and Esposito passed near her desk and waved at her, she continued to work, trying not to laugh.

8:30 

She finished half of her work. As she closed her eyes and breathed deeply, she stretched a little after being cramped in the same position for half an hour. She sat calmly in her chair for a few minutes, eyes still closed, then continued writing.

9:00

She glanced at the elevator to see if a anyone she knew was one in particular, of course. Just an acquaintance that might arrive in a few minutes. And with no body, that certain _someone_ should be here in a second with coffees. She certainly needed some coffee to stay awake.

_Castle,_ she thought to herself.

_Castle, _she repeated internally, this time with bitterness as the charm of their usual routine was suddenly overshadowed by the morning's rude awakening. _He just _**_left_**_. He's leaving tonight. I _**_have_**_ to forget him._

_No. Actually, I have to complete these papers, _she amended as she mentally slapped herself. She shook her head and concentrated herself the work at hand.

9:30 

Kate frowned. Rick wasn't here yet and she still didn't have coffee. Maybe he was stuck in traffic. Maybe he had a hard time getting up.

She rolled her eyes. Of course he did.

She resumed work without even realizing that once again she was thinking about Rick as if nothing happened - as if he never left - like it had just slipped out of her mind.

9:45 

Kate was seriously considering making coffee in the break room. Where was he? The truth was he had never been a morning person, but he had never been so la-

Oh.

Morning flashed again through her mind.

Her heart twinge a little and her disgruntled expression shifted to one of disappointment. She lost herself in her thoughts, motionless in her seat.

''Is everything okay?,'' asked Esposito as he approached her.

'Yeah, fine. I was just thinking,'' she answered more or less convincingly as she snapped back to reality.

''Okay,'' he replied skeptically.

Kate didn't want to worry the boys. Private matters stayed private. At work, she had to be professional.

Her friends didn't seem to buy her act though. They were still staring. Ryan even rose up from his chair to get a better look at her over her piled of folders.

She stared back at them with an insistent smile, telling them to drop it. They got back to work, but still looked unconvinced. Kate sighed and picked her pen again. This was already a long day.

10:00

The familiar ding echoed to Kate's ears. She looked up to see who emerged from the elevator. She hoped it was _him._ No such luck though. Karpowski.

She wondered what was Rick doing. He always got to the precinct before 10:00. Did something happen to him? No. That was be impossible; his daughter would have called.

She started to conjure up theories for his absence, but each time, she came back to the same explanation - he'd left her for good last night and would never return to the 12th. They'd never see each other again.

She sighed and closed the folder before her. She stared at it for a second, then decided to make herself coffee.

10:01

She'd just risen from her seat when she heard the ding again. She looked at the elevator. Her heart skipped a beat when she saw that it was Rick, holding two coffees.

She smiled before recollection brought her back down. The tears, the hurt, the feeling that she wasn't wanted. In the end, her smiled turned into a grimace.

Rick walked to her desk and offered her her cup. She looked at the steaming vanilla latte and hesitated to take it. Rick looked at her patiently, still holding out the drink. She finally reached out for it, but placed it on her desk immediately.

"Mr. Castle, I believe you are late," she said stoically.

"I wasn't aware there was a particular time I had to be here," he joked with a nervous smile, noticing that something was off with his partner.

"No, there isn't, but it would be nice if you could finally do your share of paperworks," she retorted.

"Well...there was no vic so I thought that-," he mumbled awkwardly. "Anyways...um...Kate, can I talk to you for a minute?"

She noticed that he was still calling her by her first name despite his callous exit this morning. It angered her even more. What was he thinking? And she still had to fight the instinct to smile at the sound of her name. Her face had to remain impassive. He wasn't allowed anymore to see his effect on her. She raised an eyebrow, which prompted him to continue.

"In private," he added in a tone more insistent.

"Listen Castle, if you have anything to tell me, say it here. We're at the precinct, at **my **workplace. You don't have anything to hide anyway, right? We're just **partners**," she spat.

"Wh-What?," he stammered, his face reflecting astonishment, then pain. "Kate, listen, there must be a misunderstan-"

"That's right, Castle," she interrupted. ''You're absolutely right. And I don't have time to give you. So you'll have excuse me; I have paperwork to do,"

She stepped around him and entered the file room. Her back was turned as her partner's face fell, incomprehension written all over it.

After she took all her time filing away her folder, she stopped in the hallway that lead to her desk. She peeked out of the break room window to see if Rick was at her desk, wanting to avoid him as much as possible.

She turned around and she found herself face to face with Castle. She hadn't felt his presence behind her.

"We really have to talk Kate," he quickly said, as if every second counted. "I'm leaving tonight and you're the last person whom I need to say goodbye properly and I need to tell you that-"

"We really have to talk, Kate," he quickly said, as if every second counted. "I'm leaving tonight and you're the last person to whom I need to say goodbye and I need to tell you that—"

"Save it Castle. I've got nothing to say to you," she cut him off again.

He looked at her in disbelief. It turned into sadness, then anger.

"Fine, **Beckett**," he said smoothly, "I guess you're right. There's nothing left to say. Goodbye."

He left the break room and waved at the boys as he walked to the elevator. She watched him leave without a word, holding beck her tears. He heart sank lower with each step he took. He entered the elevator without looking back and she swallowed the lump in her throat. He turned around as the doors closed but did not glance her way.

When it fully sank in that he'd left, that he'd called her "Beckett" instead of "Kate", that he'd said goodbye and would not contact her again, she let a tear run down her cheek.

Then two.

And then she was crying silently.

She cried because of how they parted and because she'd truly lost him, both physically and emotionally. She cried because she felt stupid and it was her own damn fault that he left angry. She cried because she didn't truly hate him; despite all that had recently happened. And now she couldn't keep it together like she normally did. She had too many conflicting feelings that she couldn't identify. Crying was just easier, for once.

Without thinking about it, she suddenly sprinted for the stairwell. When she reached the ground floor, she rushed outside, not giving a damn what people might think, and scanned the sidewalk for Rick.

She spotted him stepping into a cab, his back to her. She didn't have time to take a breath and scream his name before he shut the door. The driver pulled away from the curb, taking the man she loved away.

She helplessly watched the tax roll down the street. Another tear escaped.

When she lost sight of the cab, Kate wandered into an alley nearby, out of sight of pedestrians. Unable to hold back anymore, she started to sob. She choked out his name over and over.

_''I guess you're right. There's nothing left to say,'' _he said.

No. On the contrary, they had a hundred of things they had to say, to explain. A thousand of words o whisper to each other.

He couldn't leave, not like this.

Her cries intensified at the thought, her heart falling apart.

She stayed in the alley and long time and finally started to calm down. Tears stopped falling. All the same, her heart didn't feel any lighter, the lump in her throat still prominent and her eyes still wet.

Sitting against the wall, she didn't pay attention to the footsteps coming her way, nor to the light touch on her shoulder. She didn't reply when her friend spoke, nor did she take her hand when she tried to help her stand. Lanie finally gave up and sat next to Kate.

They stayed silent a couple of minutes. One was searching for words, the other respecting her friend's reticence. Finally, Kate broke the silence.

''He left,'' she simply said. Lanie didn't need a name.

"We had a fight," Kate added as Lanie remained quiet. "He said goodbye."

Kate's eyes filled up again. Her friend looked at her, still saying nothing. She gave her a questioning look, but Kate wanted to get a grip on her emotiong before she continued.

"It's a long story," she said instead, not wanting to elaborate.

"I have time," the ME answered softly.

Once again, silent settled between them, letting Kate ponder what she'd do next.

"Gates?," asked Kate, wondering if her boss noticed that she left.

"The boys have everything under control," her friend assured her.

Kate took a deep breath and wiped her cheeks. She made sure she was done crying and then smiled at Lanie, thanking her silently.

"Let's go to my apartment," Kate said as they stood up.

Kate knew she wasn't in the right frame of mind to form a course of action alone. She could really use Lanie's advices, and she had nothing left to lose.

* * *

Kate finished recounting the whole story to Lanie's sympathetic ears. She pulled Kate gently into her arms and patted her back. Some tears had run down Kate's cheeks as she described particular details but she was done crying for now. She simply awaited Lanie's advice.

Evening had already fallen and they'd ordered pizza to stave off hunger. Sensing Kate's impatience and knowing that every second was precious right now, Lanie dropped her slice of pizza, took a breath, and gave Kate a verbal disclaimer that what she had to say might not be pretty. Kate nodded her head and waited for her friend to continue.

"First off, you definitely should've listened to him. Either he was gonna fill you in on details of the trip or he was going to explain why he left last night," Lanie began.

Kate tried to cut her off but Lanie held up a hand and continued to talk.

"Yeah, I know you might not've been ready to talk to him yet, but you don't have forever! And now everything's just water under the bridge. So, do you know what time his flight is?"

Kate turned red and shook her head.

"Oh, no! Then it's fortunate I work with his daughter. I think it's at 9 o'clock...which is in an hour," Lanie sighed after a glance at the time.

"Yeah, but Lanie...what do you want me to tell him?" Kate inquired. "He doesn't want to talk to me anymore and we said our goodbyes."

"_Girl,_ just because he said he didn't want to talk to you again doesn't mean he really meant it. From what you've told me and what I've seen, that guy is crazy about you. So hurry up and get over there, apologize for earlier, and make up! You're not going to let it end like this!"

On that note, Lanie coaxed Kate to stand up and pushed her toward the door. There wasn't time left for Kate to do anything but thank her friend and run for the elevator. She hailed a taxi and asked the driver to get her to the airport as soon as possible. Instead, she found herself stuck in traffic for half an hour. Cursing the cars in front of the taxi that refused to move faster, Kate pulled out a 20-dollar bill and told the driver that if he could get her to the airport in less than ten minutes, the twenty would be his tip. The driver's earlier reassurance that it wouldn't be much longer was futile when she needed to be there now. The monetary bonus was very persuasive because in less than ten minutes, they reached their destination.

Kate paid what she'd promised and bolted from the taxi. So little time remained to find Rick among the passengers.

She sprinted through the airport toward the only plane currently boarding for Los Angeles, flying down the stairs and bumping into travellers along the way. She made it to the gate and gasped for breath, looking for Rick and his family. Instead she found a waiting area void of passengers; they must have already boarded. Running her hand through her hair, she spun around to be sure she hadn't missed somebody. She started to lose hope, nobody in sight. She was wondering if the plane had already taken off and she was just too late when she turned again and her gaze fixated on the gate. She saw someone preparing to board, with a profile she knew very well...Castle!

"Rick!" she cried out, running in his direction.

He turned at the sound of his name and their eyes met. Their faces lit up briefly but Rick's smile disappeared rapidly as their dispute came back to him. The sparks of happiness in his eyes vanished in a matter of seconds and Kate's heart clenched painfully. She lost her smile and some of her confidence in this mission. But she refused to quit, running forward. She only slowed down when she'd nearly reached him, stopping a few steps away and catching her breath. They stared at each other for a long time, lost in each other's eyes, until Kate finally spoke in a hesitant tone.

"Can...can we talk?" Kate asked, unsure how to proceed.

"Well, that's hardly a fair request, don't you think, Beckett?" His voice was cold and distant.

Ouch. She knew she deserved it after she refused to let him speak this morning but his response still stung and the use of her last name wasn't lost on her.

"I...please, Rick. This'll only take a few seconds," Kate murmured as she closed her eyes, fearing he'd leave her right where she stood.

He took a deep breath before responding, clearly torn when she wanted exactly what she'd denied him the same day.

"Okay," he ceded.

* * *

They moved away from the boarding area despite of the protests from the gate agent and found a small vacated hallway. They turned toward each other, facing off for several awkward minutes without making direct eye contact, all too self-conscious.

They could distinctly hear the song playing in the airport at the moment. The voice of Ingrid Michaelson resonated throughout the terminal, the lyrics so fitting for their own situation.

_Like a river flows, surely to the sea _

_Darling, so it goes _

_Some things are meant to be _

_So take my hand, and take my whole life, too _

_'Cause I can't help falling in love with you_...

Fed up with the stiffness between them and sick of hearing a song she understood far too well, Kate dove in first.

"I...I want to apologize. I should have listened to you at the precinct. We should have talked."

He didn't respond.

Kate's heart pounded and she started to wonder if he was going to change his mind and go. After a silence that seemed to last a thousand years, Rick finally spoke.

"I forgive you, Beckett. Now, if that's all you wanted to tell me, I have a flight to catch. Excuse me."

He pivoted to walk away but she stopped him immediately, her hands flying up against his torso.

"Wait—no. That...that's not everything," she murmured.

When she felt like he wouldn't try to leave again, she stopped pressing against his body but left her hands where they were. She needed to stay connected. She needed to stay strong, be honest with him, assure herself that he was still there, and believe that "us" was still possible.

"I'm not apologizing for being cold with you this morning, because from my point of view, I had every reason to be," she continued as she looked at the floor, her voice breaking on the final words.

She took a deep breath before continuing and raised her head so they could speak again with just their eyes. But Rick's gaze threw her off, his eyes full of bewilderment. How he didn't understand the reason for her behavior was beyond her. And she didn't mind informing him of such as she simultaneously sought some answers.

"Why did you leave last night? Why did you leave me alone in my bed?" she demanded, finally dropping her hands.

Rick looked sorry and...shocked? How could he be so confounded by her questions? He knew exactly what she was talking about, what he'd done. So why did he seem so confused? He seemed to hesitate, or rather, he seemed to search for the right words. Then he looked her dead in the eye and opened his mouth. She wasn't prepared for what came out.

"I'm really sorry to have left you alone, Kate...really sorry. I—I wanted to stay asleep beside you, in your bed. But there was a family emergency. Alexis called me in tears and...wait, didn't you get my text?"

Kate's face twisted—now she was the perplexed one—and she took her cell out of her pocket to verify that she hadn't received any messages. She held in her hand a dead phone instead. With everything that had happened yesterday, she'd probably forgotten to charge it overnight.

_Shit,_ she thought as she slapped herself internally. It was only lucky that she didn't have a case today since she clearly couldn't be reached.

Her chest tightened suddenly and guilt swarmed in. She had blamed Rick all day and now she saw that her reaction had been completely blushed deeply, so embarrassed to have acted like that. She hoped he understood that she didn't want to block his departure because of his family**. **Obviously, his family took priority over love interests. They always supported him in all his endeavors, they never let him fall, and they never left him behind. Part of her still wished he'd stayed with her last night, but at least he'd sent her a text to explain his disappearance. He hadn't escaped her home like a thief. He'd only left because Alexis had called him, crying. Kate bit her bottom lip hard as shame washed over her from what she'd done at the precinct. Now that he could see why she hadn't seen his message and that she clearly wished she did, Rick continued in a softer tone.

"Kate...I wanted to tell you before. I wanted to explain why I've been distracted lately. I wanted to tell you everything, but—but I promised someone. I promised Alexis that I wouldn't share her secret with anyone. No matter the situation, no matter the person. Only my mother and I know."

Rick took a deep breath before continuing, like it winded him getting this off his chest. Or maybe he was relieved? She couldn't really tell. She was too focused on his words and patiently waited for him to continue.

"This morning, after I told Alexis how much you meant to me, she gave me permission to tell you, and only you. That's what I was going to tell you at the precinct, but—"

Kate pressed her lips against his. A tear ran down her cheek, and their lips danced together lightly. She felt so very sorry. He was going to confide in her, a family secret, his daughter's secret...and she got rid of him like garbage. Her throat was tied in knots and as the kiss ended, she could only utter "sorry" before another tear escaped. Rick wiped it tenderly away with his thumb and wrapped her in his arms. He carried on with his explanation as he held her close.

"Alexis didn't want to tell other people and have everybody know her business because she didn't want to be pitied, hounded by the paparazzi, judged..." He took a jagged breath.

"Alexis' mother...Meredith...she's dying. She was diagnosed with cancer, and it spread fast."

His voice trembled; it was so rare to hear him like this but sharing what he'd been hiding was anything but easy. Kate tightened her arms around him, reminding him that she was there and that she supported him.

"Alexis wanted...she wants to spend Meredith's last days with her in Los Angeles. Even if Meredith was absent most of her life, she's still her mom. Certain people won't understand Alexis' decision, they won't understand why...why she'd want to keep this a secret."

New tears sprang to Kate's eyes. She felt so stupid to have even momentarily felt jealous of Alexis' place in her father's heart. She felt like such a fool, basically showing him the door mere hours ago. The scar on her chest was excruciating at the moment but she remained silent. Her partner moved a step back to look her in the eye before continuing. His next words concerned her directly.

"I only left you last night because Alexis called me in tears, because she needed me. She'd just found out that Meredith went into hospice care. It's a matter of weeks now, maybe days. So we had to leave as soon as possible," Rick explained. There was a brief silence before he spoke again in an apologetic tone.

"I'm sorry, Kate. I'm sorry that I hid this from you, and I'm—"

She interrupted him a second time, placing her hand over his mouth.

"Shhh. I'm the one who's sorry, Rick," she responded, her eyes glistening. "I'm the one to blame."

Their lips met again in a kiss brimming with love, one that rendered heartbeats unsteady and soothed raw wounds. And when their lips parted, Rick murmured gently in Kate's ear.

"I know that I can't ask you to wait for me, especially when I don't know how long I'll be gone. But I want you to know that what happened last night was real to me. That was my heart talking."

Kate's eyes filled with tears, butterflies in her stomach.

"Every kiss, every touch, every word...I meant it all," he vowed, eyes bright. He took a deep breath to steady himself, gazed down at Kate with nothing but hope and love, and let go.

"I love you."

"I love you, too," she replied, without the slightest hesitation.

They stared at each other and smiled. They'd finally said it, one after the other. They clung to each other with all the love and strength they could give. They separated gently and pressed their foreheads together. A short silence transpired.

"It's not right," Rick mused. "It's not fair for me to ask you to wait for me like this."

Her heart strained and air trapped in her throat, Kate couldn't speak anymore. She looked at him with a sad smile and thought, _No, you did the same thing for me, all those years..._

"But you're the only one I want to be with, the only one I love," Rick continued.

_You too, Rick, you too. You're my one-and-done, _she thought, still incapable of speech, her mouth slightly ajar.

"So I want to make you a promise. I'm going to come back, I'm going to love you, and we can finally give 'us' a chance. And with that promise, I'm entrusting you with something, something precious to me that I couldn't give to anyone but you," he said warmly.

Hearing her own heart pound in her ears, Kate hung on his every word, her throat still blocking the slightest sound.

"Will you do me the honor of keeping it safe?" he finished.

Kate's eyes shone with emotions inside she couldn't begin to describe. She could only nod her head as she beamed at him. He leaned down and whispered something in her ear as he put a hand in his pocket. Kate's eyes widened the moment he brought the "something" in question out of his pocket, a tiny square box. They kissed each other once more with a newfound intensity before he placed the box in her hand.

"I love you," he murmured again. "Always."

He kissed her tenderly on the cheek as she closed her eyes. He moved slowly away.

"Always," she echoed in a whisper, her eyes still closed.

As she slowly reopened them, Kate felt her heart beat a hundred miles an hour. Her eyes stung a bit and she cradled her gift against her chest as Rick reached the gate again and entered the jetway. He waved at her with a smile and she placidly raised a hand in return.

A smile on her lips and her cheeks a light pink, she watched as him until he disappeared. She carefully opened the little box and smiled from ear to ear at what lay inside, even though she already knew. She slowly slipped the brilliant diamond band on her left ring finger, honoring his promise that he would return.

Placing her left hand over her heart, she watched the plane take off, between its wings the love of her life. She remained hopeful. He'd to come back to her, and when he did, it would be like before, like last night, like always. She would wait for him; exactly when he'd return did not matter. After all, it was _him,_ her one-and-done, Richard Castle. And once he was home, they'd be lovers, engaged, soon to be married. Once he returned to her side, they'd be together the rest of their lives.

After all, he was only saying goodbye...

**Thoughts?**


End file.
